Dear Darla Diaries

a note from the cat

what do u want? i m enjoying my box thank u very much.

really?? u r still here ? im pretty sure i told u to go away.

repeat after me: i c u. i C u. i see yer black heartless sole. i c u as u dribble milk into my bowl ... just like i trained u. u r my pet. u will scratch under my chin. u will ruffle up my whiskerz. u will give me treatz. treeeaaaatz.

if u r still there can u pleaz leave the backdoor open? there iz a delicious bird i have my eye on for dinner. wood taste like chicken.

lost and found

The moverscame and with them my Sanity.

i say everything in a yelling tone because it makes me feel better

MrD: so it looks like we are going to germany 

me: i hate you

MrD: i hate you too

me: so we're going?

MrD: yep

me: and mom too?

MrD: and mom too

me: i guess

me: i love you

MrD: i know

me: i had kinda convinced myself we weren't going due to all the falderal

shandipants: i had kinda convinced myself that too

alfie: i'm still convinced i will be breaking MrD's legs and ya ain't leaving the country

shandipants: peanut butter will fix it!

[peanut butter = too much easter candy shared between alfie and shandipants]

might not have been a good idea

~ when you can barely traverse the 32 stairs needed to get to and from your office time clock at least 4 times a day.
 
~ when you head to your basement to switch laundry loads and almost pitch down the stairwell, only saving yourself on the low arched ceilings and narrow walls.
 
~ when side walk curbs seem miles high to your throbbing thighs.
 
~ when you scuttle like a crab while walking instead of keeping a basic erect posture
 
~ when sitting down is done in a grab-the-armrests-and-lurch move instead of a graceful squat.
 
~ when you know the toilet seat is taunting you because you might land on it or you might collapse near it.
 
~ when your partner runs a finger across your leg muscle and you come off the bed/couch/chair like the house is on fire. Than you levitate off the furniture for a few seconds while the pain slowly releases it’s death grip on your seemingly atrophied muscles.
 
~ when you run 1600 meters, do 200 squat thrusts and it still hurts nearly a week later.

project mayhem

It might not be the best idea to have me as your housesitter. This is especially true if you are a close friend of mine. Let me let you in on a little secret: I love practical jokes. Can anyone see where thi is leading?

My new cool base friend Mel, husband and son are headed to Chicago for a three-week getaway family reunion. Guess who has keys to their house and is responsible for feeding kitty and checking the mail? Bingo! You guys are so smart! Guess who also has devious plans for this house? Bingo again!

Being the friendly and talkative girl I am, I will let you in on the little secret I call Project Mayhem. Keep in mind that first, I highly doubt Mel will be reading this blog and second, if she does it won’t matter cause she’s a few thousand miles away and lest I forget, she has a great sense of humor.

Project mayhem:

1. Eat all perishable items in the fridge, with their permission of course.

2. Replenish and geometrically stack all new items in the fridge and wrap the fridge with a giant bow like a gift.

3. Rearrange her entire ginormous dvd collection either by box color or by topic. Mislabel each cub e of movies by subject, i.e. put all the romamtic comedies under “horror”.

4. Rearrange her book shelves. Stack the books by height and move some horizonattlly and others vertically.

5. Rearrange the living room furniture.

6. Stack all her sons toys in a fun pattern on the living room floor.

7. Write a happy message in bar soap on the bathroom mirror.

8. Make their bed and put mints on the pillow.

9. Tie all their mail together like a package.

So it’s essentially a fun practical and completely harmless joke. Anyone got any other suggestions of non permanent but completely hilarious actions?

 

recipe: baby shower

30 Shower Invitations
3000 small gold safety pins
1 24-pack of TP
5 million baby diapers
10 baby food jars, variety
10 melted unidentifiable candy bars
30 plastic pacifier necklaces
30 blank bingo cards
30 plastic baby dolls
30 assorted candles, nick-nacks and coffee gift cards
1 wal-mart cake
punch mix: fruit punch, sprite, ice cream
chips
salsa, guac and dips

entertainment: priceless

though shall drink from the grog bowl!

Air Force Dining In / Dining Out: A formal dinner involving active duty members and spouses or guests. It involves such things as a President of the meeting, a grog bowl and rules of engagements.

Friday night I stumbled backward through Alice's Lookingglass into the annual base's Dining In/Dining Out. All things considered it was a fairly decent time. I'll give you the cliff notes in a nice tidy form because (a) I can't think and as Eden so sufficiently puts it "paragraphs are for pussies." The night did involve some laughs and cheers and just a few surprises.

1. In mil terms "semi-formal" dress for a dinner occasion = prom/wedding bridal gown wear. Semi formal does not equal semi formal business dress wear. This would've been good to know before I wore oriental inspired black wrap pants with white pin stripes like these and a dragon print shirt similar to this. Yes, it took every ounce of will not to slink out the back door, run home and change into the dress I wore to my sisters wedding.

2. There are rules of engagements at these events. To break these rules means to drink an unidentified mix of liquor in an exact pattern. This used to only be a punishment for the active duty folk but now also involves the spouses. One of the rules is you don't get to exit the room for any reason until the official bathroom break about two plus hours into things. Many got caught. We weren't one of them.

3. The event almost sucked! At first I was instructed by Mr. D to stand at my table behind my chair until they "officially" seated us. He was on Honor Guard duty and would helping with the flag detail. A room crammed full of chiffon, satin and uniform dress blues is very daunting. I got lucky and was seated with a table full of hilarious experienced friendly chatter boxes.  Not such a bust.

-- Oops the 8 month old I'm sitting is up.

-- To be continued.

if it's written, is it true?

Why hello Mr. Davenport.
What do you have here?

Psst, Mr. Davenport.
Will you keep my secret?

Ssh Mr. Davenport.
I won't tell a soul.