Dear Darla Diaries

seriously juice balls

Bottle: 1, Logic: 0.
Use of "enjoy by" versus "use by" for expiration date.
Bottle: 1, Logic: 1.
Use of "artfulness" as bottle contents.
Nice try bottle. I will drink you and appreciate your usefulness.

stop staring at me like that

With the exception of a few bad moments when my body reminds me that it's dysfunctional (read every 28-35 days) I'm not generally wallowing in my moroseness. Lately our house has become quite the hostel with funny rumbles and multiple personalities and some severely saucy boys and girls. Just this week my BFF's boy Lar moved in with us for the last weeks he's in country while the government packs up his home and sends him to his wife.

It's hard to stay in a despressive pit when you share your abode with adult size versions of young teenage mouth pieces. Wah wah - smart ass much? Don't mind if I don't. Sometimes I'm sure the hubby just wants to find his old high school football helmet to protect him from becoming a casualty from the zingers flying around the house. It doesn't help that Lar partnered with the hubby is a force to be reckoned with. I've learned to distract them with pretty shiny things like Full Metal Jousting! and Top Shot!

Speaking of pretty shiny things (thank you CraftGawker!) ... I am absolutely in love with JulieBlackmon's family photo session art found at drollgirl, Allenaim does cute work with funny faces, DeerLittleFawn is my newest craft muse, and the girls behind AnnaDelores, Scathingly-Brilliant and A Beautiful Mess hold my own form of catnip.

 

No seriously, do not google 'So Cute'. There are some things that arent in the realm of cute!

 

Speaking of catnip, I'm currently cracking open the spines on two emotional boosting pieces that help bring the zen and the calm and align my soul, One Thousand Gifts and Duty or Delight. As I work through both pieces I will be sharing the bits and the pieces of rock candy goodness. The first is a book that local friends did through a book club and since the tips they kept spouting chipped through my sidetracked attention span I took them up on it. The second is connected to the house that Beth Moore plays with. For those of you who know Beth Moore ... it's Beth.Moore. 'enuf said.

Since I am a random squirrel, however, it should be no surprise that it's quite easy to distract me from nonfiction spiritual goodness, regardless of how helpful it really is. Cheese! Blog! Cake! Kitteh!! Soft spongy silly topic! So I do have to share with you the bits and pieces of a memoir I've been sucked into on my ereader that husband hides from while I quote.

But Honey look here! Her dad used fresh roadkill as a finger puppet! (Spoiler: sorry!) (Spoilers should go before the actual spoiler? Sorry again.) I'm sure I shouldn't be so hysterical from her trip on acid but they were licking lead paint walls! Honey you can still hear me under the bed! Are you really asleep? You are so fake snoring I can see your finger moving your game on that ipod! Honey she called them meth cupcakes!*

The piece in question is Let's Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson aka The Bloggess. No  it's not language my mother would approve of, but it is still a witty tale of smarcastic brilliance that reminds me of why I started loving blogreading in the first place. When you get it you Get It.

 

*That quote is me talking to my spouse about the book and not the book directly because you can read her brilliance Here and plagarizing is bad for you and it's just easier that way! So move along people. Move along. Nothing to see here *awkward silence, crickets chirping, cats staring* just a girl needing caffeine and to get her late ass to work.

stop-and-gawk finds

I have stumbled into my new crack addictions and for those who know my utter avoidance of p.nterst (back you pushers back!!!) please be gentle.

Let me introduce you all to Craftgawker and Foodgawker. How YOU ladies doing? Looking so sweet and scrumptious over there in your new pretty polka dotted dresses and matching glorious edible cupcakes. Now hand over your scissors, spatulas and sugar and we will make the best of friends.

I love them because:

1. clean websites as well as super sweet and fun aps for ye olde iphone
2. they focus on just food or crafts and not a chaotic overload of eVERyTHing and nOthIng and OhLookThe25thRePinOfThat!
3. all the fun and joy of pinning, without having to pin or sign in or repetition, see my minimally experienced #2
4. lots of freebies! (like printable things!)

Things that have currently caught my eye:

• DIYgoods from BeesKnees including my new holiday habit the Elf On A Shelf and cute Pill Boxes!
• 101Printables!!! Including envelopes, cupcake toppers, save-the-date cards and 101MoreThings! (Forgive the gratuitous !!! but why buy when you can print?)
• A brilliant How-To-Do-Alluring(slightlysmoky)-Makeup tutorial! 'Nuff said.
• Pass the Sushi's individual bowls of Lasagna Soup. I think I found next Tuesday's dinner plans.
• Cookie Dough Dip? Seriously? Only the lactose intolerant and hatemongers wouldn't love this binge-worthy indulgence. Bring on the fat pants cause mama needs to get me some.
• Who wouldn't appreciate a Cake-in-a-Cup valentine? Kelly we salute you.

• And last, but certainly not least, an awesome mix of bourbon and yeast known as Jacked Up Banana Bread. My first attempt at banana bread in nearly a decade (sadly must admit) was a huge finger lickin' success! Go! Buy nasty nearly dead grocery store fruit! Bake! I will!  *[I did NOT find this through Foodgawker but rather another blogger who I can't for the life of me find at the moment. Regardless I love SmittenKitchen and seek advice often.]

You are most certainly very welcome for all the new and exciting time sucks I am here to offer.

 

tear jerker for a sunday

I had to pick up the new Lt. Dan Band movie when I spotted it in the store yesterday. I hadn't seen it before, didn't have a clue what it covered but knowing what Gary Sinise does in support of the USO was cause enough for me. For those that don't know Gary Sinise and group of down home musicians got together and what started as a regular jam session evolved into a very committed support of the troops morale in the form of the Lt Dan Band. 

In the movie, which is a bit of a biography about the band and what it represents and their support, history in the military, Lt Dan Band and Gary Sinise, there is a very special song. Gina Gonzalez, one of the vocalists, wrote a piece that very strongly captures the essence of 'I Am a Soldier.'

 

Warning: This may make you cry.

name dropping like a fool, probably again

I love to blog.

I love to talk.

I love the cathartic power of the written word.

I love to journal, which is why I started blogging, but on occasion it's more crippling than helpful.

I love the annonymity of the journal and the format of the blog. Which is why I love to blog but it restrains me from what I can blog about ... because the internet has an infinite audience and sometimes our raw open wounds are meant for no one's ears but our own. We face the challenge to purge those words without the fear that our child's mother's grandfather's cousin aka the president may read it, get offended and kick us out of the country. Or some such nonsense.

Paranoid much? At times, other times I'm a veritable open book of information and useless factoids.

(No I'm not really related to the president.)

So today I filled this uncoscious desire for the private secure blogging project. (Since I don't have enough blogs to update and follow.)

My daily blog spin through HeatherArmstrong's Dooce and MaggieMason's MightyGirl lent me the info from last week's CampMIghty! (#5 on my LIfeLIst - once I write my LIfeList.) CM's speaker is Buster Benson who in turn is the founder of 750words.com.

750words.com is the whole focus on this gravy train. 750words is a site with the challenge to write 750 words a day in a completely private fashion. A clean, smooth, private, super easy to use platform.

I'm in love.

There needs to be an ap for that.

(This post only made 265 words - I need to try harder)

international relocation: unexpected challenges

or The Things Your Mama Couldn't Warn You About

As we get settled into Deutschland one stockinged foot after another, I'm time and time again reminded of how the way things are versus how we assumed them to be. Life hands you challenge after challenge that were not at all the top of the priority list when we started weighing the pros and cons of the assignment. LIfe is funny like that. I've compiled a list of what some of things that have come to light over the last 18 months that I would recommend being aware of, before they make you aware of them. Not all of these are uniquely military, that was just the specific environment that brought us across the pond. Many of these hold true to our civilian - military support friends that live here on their dime and some without any kind of military support (we have a few perks.)

 

You think: Can I drive my car? (What kind of license might I need? Are the roads any different? Do we have transportation? Does the government ship/what will the shipping cost be? Is it worth it just buy a 'four-year' junker?)

You realize: Car repairs! Oil Changes! Maintenance Oh My! If facing a language barrier isn't hard enough you rely on a lot of hearsay on what's the best local mechanic, the pain of unfamiliar oil change setup, how much you have come to rely on the local US tire store-speedy lube-local mechanic duo. This ain't Walmart. Over here you force-enabled to become a basic parts and labor mechanic whether you've ever desired it or not. You are also faced with the realization that some of the mechanics speak enough English to communicate it is Broken! and you need to Fix It! but they only deal in the local cash currency and they expect them at a completely different rate than Please Hurry!

 

You think: It's a house! Four walls, bathroom, living room, kitchen, check!

You find out: First, the Germans often lease out completely bare apartments. And by bare the locals expect to furnish their own kitchen, sinks, cabinets, dishwasher, etc. Often times you can get lucky and get an 'Americanized' semi furnished setup but you will still get to invest a penny or two in freestanding wardrobe closets (schranks) and shelving oh my. There isn't such a thing as a 'closet' here.

Also: LIGHT BULBS. They have nipple size, wattage size and light saving for e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. The light bulbs on all four of stair well landings are such a pain that I haven't replaced a one of them for 6 months. I plan on putting a basket of bulbs with a bow under the tree addressed from Santa to Me. When Husband asks Why? I can tell him: Santa said for Xmas my knight-in-shining-armor would install them.

Third: yard care, nap hours, tradition. It is practically biblical in the villages to respect the daily quite hours from 1-3pish and EVERY SUNDAY. American habit may be to mow the lawn or rake the leaves after church but here you won't hear a whisper on grass, unless it's the neighbor girls playing faerie in the laurels. Sunday also includes store closures. You don't realize how habitual a quick Sunday afternoon grocery run has become until you remember week after week that it's on base, with 5-thousand-other-panicked-folk or not at all. The later often outweighs the former. You can get by without many things to avoid madness.

 

You assume: Internet? It isn't the stone age, of COURSE our house will come with high-speed internet.

You find out: WRONG. Although we have gotten lucky it is fairly normal to move 5 minutes into just about any village and hit a dead spot for 95% of the cell service as well as creepy crawly stone age connection speed. It's very hit or very miss and there isn't a damn thing that can be done about it. Wireless clouds are heresy since they also have hugely monitored piracy laws and personnel internet service is locked down tighter than Fort Knox.

 

You think: TV. Of course they'll have some form of television. Hopefully something English speaking or we can get a Satellite!

You discover: The military has a form of satellite setup. There is also a second setup. And just like in the states when they change positioning and you should only have to move your satellite a 'hair' it will, in fact, take 24 wasted hours, 13 men and 4 months of rejected calling/contacting/emailing before you will get in touch with a professional. Who will charge you a mere $125 for a house call to hopefully fix the tv so you can once again watch Good Morning America and 2p (thank you time change.)

 

It's the little things that drive me batty. I won't even get started with the WhyGodWhy!! that involves cell phone contracts and the kidney donation involved with each and every iPhone or decent smart phone. Maybe another blog.

'i'll scrape you up and reconstruct you'

My bestie, currently located in Japan, shared this beautiful tidbit on my FB. It is sooo true, and not only will it make you chuckle but you have to sing along. FRIEEENNNDDDS. bumbumbumbum.

 

it's about to get silly up in these parts

Uh oh. Blizzard released their newest expansion pack for World of Warcraft at Blizzcon 2011 Friday. Bring on the intervention cause we have an addiction problem round these parts.

 

Yea I do want to be a panda-kicking-monk when I grow up. Bring on the angry leveling attitudes and the pouting. Bring on the "Honey why are you removing me from my computer? I know it's 3a and I have to work in 4 hours and I just need One.More.Level. No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o."

 

Disclaimer: No, I do not ignore everyday functions to be a gamer. Yes, I am a contributing member of society. Yes, we do play with Real Live People in the game. Yes, I've actually made friends, and met in real life, a few and they weren't utter trolls. Yes, I do know what a noob is. Yes, the Husband did start it all. Yes, his mom is a total junkie. Yes, my family thrives off giving me a hard time about it. Yes, I have been known to ignore my cats play time while occupied in a dungeon. Yes, my few gamer friends love to bore our surrounding non-gamer friends with our "agily-stam-strength-int-gearscore-dps and what the hell is the new talent calculator about?!?" discussions. Yes, I might like to meet you in Stormwind for a flagon of ale and a dance /emote. Yes, I will be throwing it down like a fool while whining, crying, gnashing my teeth and adjusting to yet ANOTHER expansion pack. Yes I will be spending an exorbant amount of money on the 4-5 packs I will have to purchase so the MIL, I and occasionaly the boy can play. Don't tell anyone but he only SAYS he's addicted, I stole his account and all his gold a long time ago and he's yet to notice.

thank YOU FB stalker friends

deployment tip of the month

Fix yo' shit:

I felt very accomplished last night ... I arm wrestled my toilet into submission. All three of our toilets had broken seats and after 3 months of landlord procrastination I took matters into my own hands. I went to store and purchased replacement parts, put on my fix-it hat and went to it. Who needs a deployed spouse, who can stand to pee? I have two strong arms and plethora of tools. After some sweating, swearing and cat interventions it was better than new. It's also blue. One down, two to go.

 

If at first you don't succeed call the repairman.

After numerous attempts at fixing our satellite and a forced two month sabbatical from the project, for our sanity, I've decided to contact a professional. The husband has been on me from the dessert, mind you he ISN'T here and we have sort of forgotten about it for the most part, but it's time to fix the TV. In Germany it isn't like the states. Our only fall back for entertainment is DVD rentals, library rentals and purchases. There is no other cable/local network options. I do miss the news channel. And my excuse list can go on.

 

When in doubt, cut them out.

The ever growing kitten is hitting puberty. I took him to the vet in hopes they'd neuter him early, since all of his body parts have fully emerged, but the techs looked at me in utter horror. At least 6 months! How dare you even ask!! How dare I ask? He rubs them on EVERYTHING. One day he's going to realize that I have girl smells and he's a boy and try to MARK HIS TERRITORY. I will be heartbroken if I have to eject him to outhouse status because you couldn't just snipsnip.

On the plus side he grew from 2lbs to nearly 8 in the last 2 months. He is as healthy as an ox and well on his way to the monstrous mark. I can't wait to see Shaun's face when he gets to see his bulk in person. Yes I did buy a kitten. This is what happens when you feed them kibble and water. No treats, he is all natural girth.

 

Busy is as busy does.

I was reading an old favorite blog when I saw they had closed shop. The reasoning was 'you can have a blog or a life.' I don't entirely agree with that statement but sometimes one does contradict the other. For instance if life is in a stasis mode you don't want to force blog fodder that doesn't exist. Likewise if you spend 80% of your daily time reading RSS, Twitter, FB and blog feeds you aren't living. It's just reaching a happy medium that I sometimes have difficulties. Us extremists only know how to live at one wall or the other. And for somet reason my friends get irritable when I tell them I can't be bothered right now, I'm leveling my level 65 night elf hunter! /fistshake /kickscomputertable