Dear Darla Diaries

deployment tip of the month

Fix yo' shit:

I felt very accomplished last night ... I arm wrestled my toilet into submission. All three of our toilets had broken seats and after 3 months of landlord procrastination I took matters into my own hands. I went to store and purchased replacement parts, put on my fix-it hat and went to it. Who needs a deployed spouse, who can stand to pee? I have two strong arms and plethora of tools. After some sweating, swearing and cat interventions it was better than new. It's also blue. One down, two to go.

 

If at first you don't succeed call the repairman.

After numerous attempts at fixing our satellite and a forced two month sabbatical from the project, for our sanity, I've decided to contact a professional. The husband has been on me from the dessert, mind you he ISN'T here and we have sort of forgotten about it for the most part, but it's time to fix the TV. In Germany it isn't like the states. Our only fall back for entertainment is DVD rentals, library rentals and purchases. There is no other cable/local network options. I do miss the news channel. And my excuse list can go on.

 

When in doubt, cut them out.

The ever growing kitten is hitting puberty. I took him to the vet in hopes they'd neuter him early, since all of his body parts have fully emerged, but the techs looked at me in utter horror. At least 6 months! How dare you even ask!! How dare I ask? He rubs them on EVERYTHING. One day he's going to realize that I have girl smells and he's a boy and try to MARK HIS TERRITORY. I will be heartbroken if I have to eject him to outhouse status because you couldn't just snipsnip.

On the plus side he grew from 2lbs to nearly 8 in the last 2 months. He is as healthy as an ox and well on his way to the monstrous mark. I can't wait to see Shaun's face when he gets to see his bulk in person. Yes I did buy a kitten. This is what happens when you feed them kibble and water. No treats, he is all natural girth.

 

Busy is as busy does.

I was reading an old favorite blog when I saw they had closed shop. The reasoning was 'you can have a blog or a life.' I don't entirely agree with that statement but sometimes one does contradict the other. For instance if life is in a stasis mode you don't want to force blog fodder that doesn't exist. Likewise if you spend 80% of your daily time reading RSS, Twitter, FB and blog feeds you aren't living. It's just reaching a happy medium that I sometimes have difficulties. Us extremists only know how to live at one wall or the other. And for somet reason my friends get irritable when I tell them I can't be bothered right now, I'm leveling my level 65 night elf hunter! /fistshake /kickscomputertable

ink time again

You've heard it right boys and girls, the boy is deployed and it's time to get another tattoo! I, of course, couldn't be more eager. He, of course, is always more trepidicious. My original goal for the last forever years has been a forearm crochet tattoo. I can cross my eyes and practically feel the ball of yarn cradling a hook and nestling itself onto my left forearm. It's going to be teal blue and vibrant and lush.

Then the reality driven adult side of my brain kicked in. My other tattoos are fully visible, when I want them to be and 'professionally' covered up when I'm doing my military connected job. So 'professional' regardless of my desire to be a free bird in a muckymuck world. I. Want. A. Sleeve!. footstompkickkickwhine.

Instead of using the forearm I'm going to get it on the top of my left foot and I'm going to get a little more detail work on it. Not only will I incorporate a lovely hooking tat like HERE, HERE and HERE but I'm also going to work in my mother's maiden name and my maiden name (also known as my mother's married name/dad's last name.) Since I am a piece of my father and my mother and it was my grandmother's that gave me this addiction I thought it would be a nice touch.

I am super excited and at the suggestion of many friends am going to check out a local place called CuteandUgly! Her store is a cute and evil dark Alice and Wonderland vibe. If the chica that runs it is half as cool as her site depicts I may be a repeat offender. I have sent her an email querying an appointment time and will keep you all posted.

While looking up tattoo suggestion I fell into a new craft retro love. Isn't she brilliant? The photo links to the site.

oh phone. please stop breaking my heart

Dear Sams.ung Gal.xy.

It has been brought to my attention that your service, as of late, has been sorely lacking.

First, today you put my BFF on hold mid-chat to call another friend, without my request. I realized at the 'Unhold' 'Three-way calling?' ' 'Call Disconnect!' that we had issues. As soon as I got that straightened out, but a mere five minutes later, you decided to put her on hold AGAIN and contact the base hair salon.

Second, your internet service is shite. I put my iPh.ne 3GS simcard in you in the hopes that your internet service would somewhat make due for the next 11 weeks while waiting for my contract renewal and obtaining a working fresh iPh.ne 4. You are a dim comparison to the glory of instant FB access and my beautiful TxtFree aps. Instagram is a faint memory and the fact that you hold 3 digital photos, sans a memory card, instead of the 16g 'harddrive' I'm used too could make me want to cry. Twitter? Typepad? Bing? YouTube? You may have a Widget but they aren't actually functional at any operating rate.

Need I remind you of the abuse heaped on the iPh.ne? Sure it may have started with the accidental screen shattering at the Keno but the subsequent drops, kicks and smacks will be a dim memory of childsplay to the discipline you will be receiving. Ever hear of a swirly? I will flush you so fast you will end up in a 3rd world country and be split up for food credit parts. A family could live off your glory for years.

If the previous issues don't take the cake your fat fingering digital screen is a joke. I didn't think to doublecheck and realize you don't have a hard keyboard. I look at the T9 crosseyed and 'Hey Friend!' comes out 'Dump Truck Love.' Let alone the A-Z keyboard that randomly inserts "!(&#%%..." and "Send!" Come on like I would really just send the words 'So', 'To' and 'Though' instead of a full message?

Oh phone. If you could have one redeeming factor it would be that your speaker actually works fairly well and you don't shut off sporadically and your mic works. Those are very legit but still sad factors.

I'm going to blog and twitter via my computer now. I'm afraid if I tried to Twitter 'Another crazy day in the funny farm' it would turn out 'Momma loves chocolate cake.' Why Sams.ung? Why?!?!

Once again bitch-slapped by technology,
Darla

This child is crying because he understands the need for instant digital gratification everywhere! The dream of unsecured wi-fi clouds and affordably replaceable iPhone parts is a reality in places like Neverland!

a little glue will do you

With a freshly made chicken taco half crammed into my mouth the phone rings. Naturally. Timing is everything in my house. We had just settled in to watch an episode of Criminal Minds, or more like the 13th attempt because we love random IMs, Skypes, phone calls and door ringers during dinner. It was my friend B and her son had gotten a little clumsy on a stool and face planted a kitchen counter thus driving his teeth into his lips and spewing blood like a water fountain.

Off to the ER we went. Word to the wise and your Mama, don't google 'crazy ER visit.' You cannot burn those images off your retinas. I nearly retched and the logo for Cast Iron is seared on my gullet.

maybe if George Clooney or Noah Wylie were at the ER things would've been different

Well to say that Keegan is terrified of doctors, hospitals and emergency medical care would be like cavalierly saying the sun was dim. On a hotter than hades day without a cloud in the sky. Since B's hubby is out of town I got roped in to play left field which could possibly involve full body smothering if any stitches like implements came out of the box. Luckily they did not.

The whole trip was an actual breeze. It was major enough for seemingly excessive bloodshed but minor enough the med tech could apply some skin glue and send us on our way. Apparently 16 22 year-old, wetbehindtheear Airman Basics don't appreciate being called kids. Sorry Tech Dude but your Scoobie Doo stickers didn't identify you as more than a BP taker and even I can run those machines. Big kudos to  you for not causing said child to scream and getting knucks. If I see you at work tomorrow I will call you Tech Dude and not The Kid. It was only a minor misunderstanding.

As my friend Anthony has said 'Birth Control much?' No but every adventure will all you parental-friend-figures is a smallish lesson in it. Let's face it though, for all the fit throwing, whining, self-induced injuries and attitudes you wouldn't give it up in a heartbeat. You want to be a parent. You can understand what we are missing.

not your parents language

Do you know what makes a snarky day even better? Covering it in chocolate snarky syrup with a snarky cherry and some snarky caramel. Why? Because every thing tastes better smothered in caramel. Where did ya'll grow up? Mars? Yes I said caramel ... and I pronounce it care-a-mell ... because I can.

 
There has been a lot of passive aggressive posturing, snarkiness, whining and lets just face it, bitchiness around these parts. Sometimes I can't help but wish that the husband was back to buffer me from his mother. Than I remember that it's best he's gone for the next 3 months so he doesn't have to pick sides.

I know. I know. I know that's it's her nicotine-withdrawn diet-starved anxiety-pushing-depression-off-a-cliff mood swings talking and not her normal ambivilant hobbitness but OMYFREAKINGOLLUM. (I'm not sure why this post is so LOTR themed so moving on.) When I hear her merrily HAPPILY prattling on Skype (through the door and up the stairwell) to her gaming BFF in Australia or her son-in-law in Oregon or the few other people she talks to outside her selfexiledprison room I see green. I feed her and take her shopping and buy her WHATEVER.SHE.WANTS and go to work and deliberately stay out of her hair and yet she's not passively aggressively shrugging or sniping at Them only ME. I'm finally the fishwife. (Oh husband you have no idea the amount of guilt crowding the last nerves of my brain every time I think of the experience of you dealing with me on fertility hormones.) It seriously is driving me bonkers. They see her as Mother Teresa and I'm the fool.

I know. I know. I know I have numerous awesome local friends here who would rescue me. They have couches and televisions and WoW capabilities and spare rooms. But I want my house! I want my room! I want to be able to tuck her away into a box and mail her to Timbuktoo so I can have a few moments of peace in my Sanctuary! I want to be able to focus on diets, exercise, God, my friends. Instead all I see is HER. I'M Meeeeeltinngggg. Please laugh with me. It's like having my own personal hormone riddled teenage girl - EXCEPT I'VE NEVER BEEN A MOTHER. Damn you Ovaries!

I've decided on a plan of action. A Survival Mode if you will. I am fully conquering my 3rd floor. I'm ceding ground. I'm temporarily relocating my computer and a bucket of my daily yarn project to my room. I'm not telling her I'm just sneaking it in and stoving myself into the bunker by the light of the moon. The livingroom can remain Switzerland. We will share movies and the antics of The Closer, Criminal Minds and NCIS. When we pout we both can hole up in our caves. Neither can take possession of the nuetral ground.* Wish me luck and the right combination of warpaint and tranquilizers to keep her oblivious.

While I'm hiding like a morose and roundly beaten pet I'd like to thank @MamaPop, @JiveTurkey (also here!), Kristine@WaitInTheVan, @Amalah, @MoxieBird and TWIN, your peachy attitudes and cherubic behavior has been helping me cling to the sanity of my padded walls.

P.S. I must admit that I bought her a pack of cigarettes today. It was like my own little flag-of-truce. She wouldn't let me call the doctor to ask for a reprieve from thinking it sane for her to attempt (emphasis on attempting with a piss-poor attitude) to cut her chain-smoking habit and a harsh diet at the same time. So I took matters into my own hands. You either smoke or you eat. You won't be doing both on nights like tonight. Once I've gone to ground, and restocked your fridge with diet material, I'll hide the cigs again.

 

p.p.s. YES I'm sure eventually it will get better but today I beat ny head into my desk in a firm and rhythmatic tone. wump. wump. wump.

*I'm fully reclaiming Switzerland when the Boy returns. He plays CoD and my attention withdrawn ADHD will require constant reaffirmation of contact, touch and commentary. In the flesh babe.

does that answer your question?

Dear Alfalfa,
Yes, Germany McD's are a little different than in Oregon. For example my breakfast is smothered with soldiers and McGriddles only come with sausage.
xoxo
Darla

p.s. It is appropriate to answer Vielen Dank after you get your meal.

gone and done it

He loves it. He was a good carpenter, house framer, lumber mill worker, forest bum, survivalist, outdoorsman, karate kid and butcher. He is a great airman. The sacrifices suck from time to time. The price of not being near your family and friends. Getting to make new 'temporary' and somewhat permanent friends from base to base. New doctors. New jobs. New church. New stressers. Peaked anxiety. The feeling of loneliness. New workout routines. The motivation to get out of the house and fulfill those obligations. New schedules and habits. Breaking old effective routines, habits and time zones. And the list goes on. Trust me. But he's happy. It works for him. It provides for our life. Who am I to argue?

Congrats on the reenlistment baby. I got my busy boots on and I'm ready for the next 5 years. (Also the first aid kit, emergency food, friend-contact-list, sisters-in-a-box, daily Skype dates ....)

not a pretty day

The 10th anniversary of September 11th was marked with an ugly truck bombing in Afghanistan. Reportedly 77 U.S. troops were injured in the single attack. Although non of the injuries were 'life threatening' my co-worker and I found ourselves faced with over two dozen inpatients compared to the normal 5-to-7 a day as of late. It is going to be a long Monday. The nurses, doctors, medical teams and liaison officers are scurrying around like ants on a hill.

August was the deadliest month in Afghanistan, with the second being July 2010. Sadly as the forces are being pulled out of country the death toll is rising. Let's pray that changes and as many as possible can come back in one piece.

Source: NATO: 77 U.S. troops injured after Taliban hit Afghan coalition base

the hat project: WWP

With winter coming on I have been whipping out beanies to donate to the hospital I work at for the Wounded Warriors Project. I remember last winter when I first started doing the job as Patient Liasion Officer "personal shopper" the favorite question was 'Beanie?' Our store had lean quantity but the Red Cross donation cart usually had bits and pieces. Since I love to crochet and love to help I just put two and two together.

Fear not, this blog is not meant to toot my own horn but to put out a call for help.

 

CHALLENGE:

If you have the ability to knit or crochet you too can donate. Useful items for the patients are blankets and beanies. As the Red Cross office covers not only Wounded Warriors, but also the supporting military community, baby size items as well adult sized items would be appreciated. I would suggest a variety of colors and styles. Generally it's an 80/20 ratio of men to women but everyone likes different colors.

 

Send your donated items to:   
Landstuhl - Red Cross Office
CMR 402 Box 2234
APO, AE 09180        

Please include a note if it is for the Wounded Warriors specifically or any military personnel in general.                                

PATTERN TIP:

I personally have been using a Quick and Easy Beanie pattern [crochet] that I'm in love with. Ravelry.com is a free pattern site to obtain a plethora of knitting and crochet patterns. ALL blankets are useful. It is a rare day when I don't see at least two to three patients wrapped up in homemade quilted, knitted or crocheted love.

 

jarhead christmas [repost]

In honor of all the sacrifices made and the 10th anniversary of 09.11.01 I'm reposting this piece from Dec 2009.

 

So first off I'm straight off jacking  borrowing this brilliance from my good buddy Sarah and second, I too tip my hat to SemperFiWife. Merry Christmas boys and girls!