There is an old email adage about friendship that sings along the lines of ‘If you smile, I smile. If you laugh, I’ll laugh. If you cry, I’ll cry.” I have just a little funny take on that …
If you are having a good day I am having a great day.
If you are having a bad day I’m having a very morose day.
If you are laughing I’ve already wet my pants.
If you are singing I’m harmonizing right alongside you and just as off key.
If you are having an anxious day, I’m digging through the medicine cabinet looking for your special pills.
If you are having suicidal tendencies I will be hiding all the ropes, sharp objects and swallowable items within your reach.
If you look at a ledge I will taser you, for your own safety, and protectively lock you into the special white jacket I had custom designed for you.
If you throw a party I’ll bring the DJ, mixed beverages and passel of trouble makers to keep it hopping. I’m not sure where to find a DJ as I never go to nightclubs, bars or fancyschmancy places but for you I’ll move the moon. I’ll also review MTV videos to figure out what hoping is. Perhaps the Kardashians can give us tips.
If you are having issues with your screaming, whining, overactive, sugar driven offspring I’ll make sure and book a child-free spa day for relaxation purposes. I’ll also hire Vin Diesel to babysit them like on that Nanny movie.
If you have coworkers with attitude problems and you call me I’ll come over and play The Fixer and remind them of the efficiency of Anger Management. Perhaps I’ll contact Jack Nicholson for some tips.
If you need help in the kitchen I’ll find Gordon Ramsey to firmly encourage you in all things culinary.
If you can’t work your lawnmower I’ll blackmail the neighbor kid into doing it for you.
If you have those days when you are so homesick you want to move your entire family into your apartment complex I will find all of Jason Bourne's cohorts to smuggle them over in the light of the moon.
Always remember that you can't lose me. I can often be found at the edge of your peripheral vision, in the dark shadow of your closet, hugging the box springs under the bed, singing 'Soft Kitty' to your feline, changing your tv channels while you are watching and least expect it, in the spare tire cubby in the trunk of your car and nibbling the stale cookies under your desk.
