Edit: Be warned, I just may ramble a bit.
I want to give you some poignant advice on how to adjust to the first week of the active duty spouses return from deployment: but I'm drawing a blank. I keep thinking 'why isn't there a handbook for this?'
My mind is staring greedily, hungrily, angrily, sadly and somewhat frustratingly at the TMI-wall. That moment that each blogger must face about the appropriateness of sharing. In bed last night I had to resist the urge to spring forth and spew out my convexed, somewhat convaluted and very tired emotional train wreck.
It's not that it's terrible. It's not that I'm being beaten or we're ripping each other apart at the seems, it's more the unexplainable Adjustment. While we're going through the first stages it's been a journey to watch my friends go through the same things. Here are some basic details of our journeys and what advice that may or may not lend to you going through the same thing.
X. Hubby returned in October. They have some additional variables: she works full time out of home, they are currently pregnant, plus one 6 and 10 year-old. His deployment consisted of a job where he was constantly away from any communication device for up to a week at a time but when he could he'd email/blackberry her constantly.
I'm told the first week was the honeymoon stage. The second week returned to more of the normalcy state, especially with the baby appointments and both spouses returning to full time work, and kids to school/daycare as distraction. I think it's a different adjustment for parents, they may have a bit of aloofness to deal with but it's different when you add the parent factor.
For instance how can you give your wife the same "please ignore me some more and let me adjust" face when you have kids that adore you with the completely devoted and single-minded adoration that only they can have. They also have short and sometimes limited focus or the never ending energy.
Than you add a healthy dose of boy therapy, his 3 bff's and deployment buddies, and his wife is getting bits and pieces of his deployment in odd frustrating drinking details. (Some spouses jobs can't or won't be expressed in electronic communication, only face-to-face and often only directly to another and eavesdropped on by a spouse.) It's also not their first deployment so maybe that makes it a little easier.
Y. Hubby returned in November. They also have two additional variables: one 6 and 10-year-old. She is a stay-at-home mom, he works a job where you can't EVER discuss the details. Her schedule hasn't been consistent since his return. In the dessert his job may have seemed harshest of the three, with a 6-7, 12-14/hr a week work schedule supplemented by hardcore Crossfit, eating and cat naps. It did, however, allow for the most day-to-day minute-to-minute text communication.
Since returning he's locked himself into strict family and World of Warcraft time. Since she's also a gamer they've been readapting to each other through gaming. Due to the blessing/curse of getting to be a SAHM right now she can spend the few hours without them to do the house chores/bills/etc. I'm not sure how the communication has returned or since it's by far not their first dog-and-pony show or if it's already back to normal.
Me. Hubby returned a week ago. We have the addition of his mother. I wonder if it would be a different adjustment if it were just the two of us. No barrier of distraction. No two-on-one rationality during arguments or disagreements or 'you should think of it this way.' Which isn't to say that's how it always is but I'm obsessing I'm sure. We don't have a kid distraction. WE had the unfortunate-ness of going through two emotional track-wreck years of hell with trying to get pregnant right before we were separated and than having what I thought was a good therapy of 6-months apart with a daily morning 30-60 minute text/email conversation, a 10-15 minute phone call 1-1 times a week and a weekly vid chat.
I don't know how to describe it. Since we don't have kids he wants to adjust by keeping in his bubble. His brain is full of the details of finally completing his mah's dependency status and securing her financial/emotional/home needs that she craves so much, the clarification of our possible May Germany orders and the returning from deployment paperwork. I'm not sure what box he's stuffed me, our relationship, our former spiritual church addiction, our life into. I wonder if he's assuming, like he always has because of my "strength" or independence, that I'm self-sustaining through this all.
I hate the silence that has been instilled into the cracks between our complete inconsistency of any solid-church support the last 3-plus years, the adaptation of a semi-permanent mother-in-law roommate (now I see the function of the mother-in-law suite), the complete incomprehensible stress of trying to force ourselves into the natural instinct of parenthood and utter aloofness instilled into them after 6-months of complete male-to-male isolation.
I want to cling to the faith that eventually the somewhat emotional, instinctual habits of old will emerge. The 'I care about you as much as you've been pouring out for me' thing may be acknowledged. The selflessness that at one point we equally poured out to each other, that filled in the holes, will be reforged. I wish that when one of the strongest, coolest, male mentors in our life passed away it wouldn't have undone it all.
I want to believe that maybe the isolation of my returning to work tomorrow, to my 10 hr/day work schedule is enough. I wonder if I recommit to a permanent gym time, 7p nightly, and weekly women's/church study/support group will be enough. I really wish there was a book that would explain how a woman is to partial her soul and her sanity to get through the initial adjustment so it could become normal again, or whatever normal is supposed to be. I'm not asking to return to the way it was, I was just hoping for some semblance of enjoyable companionable silence and consistency and communication. I wish there was a guide or some sort of mentor for him too.
Sometimes it's like therapy and baby making all over again when I have to seek the therapist and the support group and the assistance to make it through.
I don't even want to look at the dusty little 'I wish to have a baby' box that is tucked carefully out of site in the back of the closet or the thought of how we would function through another deployment or what it could/would be like after. That's just borrowing way too much trouble.
Of course this whole situation can be blamed on being emotional, and a woman and having hormones. And sure, I could just be feeling a little lonely, snarky, melancholy and distracted by the fact that all the woman in my life that I bounced between, to both fill emotional voids abandoned missing from my husband/god and to support in their own personal issues, are all distracted and for once beyond wrapped in their issues. (Minus my glorious siblings of course.) I guess today's chores and grocery shopping and hopefully dinner out with the boy will help. Hopefully today will be a good.
My only advice with the whole thing is: take it a day at a time. Be ready to apologize, endlessly. Hope, pray, wish that maybe they see it as a two way street. Realize that because the government didn't force you to deploy somehow adjustment should be different for the nondeployed part. Hopefully find a non-deployed military support group. It's a blessed thing when they're all gone together but not when they all return at the same time, especially the first time around. Realize that although their advice may be bloody brilliant, for those that haven't dealt with extended separation can't understand. Maybe don't listen to me, if you haven't noticed already, sometimes I ramble ... a bit ..
P.S. post maybe updated/edited in the future if MrD ever reads and/or objects.
Edit: We talked and I blubbered or rather dismally and stupidly cried over fantastic chicken pasta at chi.li.s. My stomach was also hungy. A lot of the misconstrued silence is still wrapped around the
baby trials. Ugh. We'll work it out. We'll try a dose of patience with a dose of optimism.
