Mer.r.iam-Web.ste.r. wrote ...
A mild case of nerves has somehow have blown itself into full blown unrelenting hysterical anxiety attacks. I have never been afflicted with these and yet now I just can't seem to pry their taloned grasp from me.
I have always been the kind of kind of girl with pretty vivid dream and a hyperactive imagination. I can dream death, life, adventure. I talk in my sleep and tend to embody bits of my life around me with those fantasies that we all carry in our daily lives. It has always been a topic of discussion between my family and friends for the things my sisters and I will be discussing on random mornings or have woken our sleeping partners up with at the oddest of times, sometimes even things only they are aware and we are absolutely oblivious too. We also tend to rarely repeat a dream from any given night.
I rarely have insomnia and even more rarely wake up besides the very occasional night to go pee. Somehow those days seem long gone.
For the last several months now my subconscious has made me an anxious mess. I don't I've slept a whole night through more than a handful of times without being awake by at least 1:30 or 2 and tossing and turning until my alarm starts going off at 5:30 and finally succumbing to it's bleating at 6:15. Only the past few mornings have I decided to just get up in the wee hours and try to either just stay awake or shake it off and salvage part of the needed sleep cycle.
Originally it was work. I'd wake myself up in a near panic that I'd emailed the wrong people the wrong thing or IM'd absolutely bizarre facts to the entire company. These allegations would send me into a blind hysteria. I am very cautious who and what I email. My job is in HR and it is vital that I follow this protocol.
It didn't stop with work. I had hoped it would eventually fade into oblivion.
It spread to my gaming and to my friends. For weeks I have dreamt I was playing WoW and I would read my screen to realize I would be thinking one thing and IMing completely other phrasing. These would be direct chats to my friends, guildies and mass public in general. Other times I would send out personal attacking and utter lies to close friends and families. Opinions and facts that were not only completely fabricated but often hateful and punishing. My caring and generous nature is running at its full flight or flight mode.
This has had me not only waking up with tears marking my face but also logging on in the wee hours to reset passwords and verify I didn't need to do unnecessary damage patrol of epic proportions.
Lately this hysteria is fading into my friends. This morning I woke myself up thinking I had let down a few specific individuals with some sort of important emails I had PROMISED them I would have to them by certain times/dates. Although I can't for the life of me now remember what they were..
This is driving me slowly and surely crazy.
I have changed my nighttime habits repeatedly hoping it would fix it. From my regular 9p bedtime to whenever the show is over or I pass out on the couch. I get new books and bury my head in their luscious pages. My mind may cling to the story until completion but my brain still produces the same technical nightmares. I pray. I listen to the radio. I don't listen to the radio. I workout. I don't workout. I look like crap at work. I change my diet.
I have even nearly banished myself from most social networking sites from my favorite game WoW to Facebook because I am so hyperaware of the fact that maybe I will lose control like in my dreams and it just won't stop.
Nothing seems to work.
I refuse to medicate but yet know I can't continue down this train track and function during the daytime effectively. For the most part the evening monsters only poke their heads out in the edges of my daylight hours but yet I hate the fact that regardless of my exhausted state of when I lay my head down I'll still be up at this same time trying to fight these unrelenting demons.
I really hope this will abate a little when MrD comes home. Now that we're prepping for a move to Germany in the late Spring I am wondering if that is just a naive thought. Oye.
anx-i-ety
1 a : painful or apprehensive uneasiness of mind usually over an impending or anticipated ill b : fearful concern or interest c : a cause of anxiety
2 : an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs (as sweating, tension, and increased pulse), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it
A mild case of nerves has somehow have blown itself into full blown unrelenting hysterical anxiety attacks. I have never been afflicted with these and yet now I just can't seem to pry their taloned grasp from me.
I have always been the kind of kind of girl with pretty vivid dream and a hyperactive imagination. I can dream death, life, adventure. I talk in my sleep and tend to embody bits of my life around me with those fantasies that we all carry in our daily lives. It has always been a topic of discussion between my family and friends for the things my sisters and I will be discussing on random mornings or have woken our sleeping partners up with at the oddest of times, sometimes even things only they are aware and we are absolutely oblivious too. We also tend to rarely repeat a dream from any given night.
I rarely have insomnia and even more rarely wake up besides the very occasional night to go pee. Somehow those days seem long gone.
For the last several months now my subconscious has made me an anxious mess. I don't I've slept a whole night through more than a handful of times without being awake by at least 1:30 or 2 and tossing and turning until my alarm starts going off at 5:30 and finally succumbing to it's bleating at 6:15. Only the past few mornings have I decided to just get up in the wee hours and try to either just stay awake or shake it off and salvage part of the needed sleep cycle.
Originally it was work. I'd wake myself up in a near panic that I'd emailed the wrong people the wrong thing or IM'd absolutely bizarre facts to the entire company. These allegations would send me into a blind hysteria. I am very cautious who and what I email. My job is in HR and it is vital that I follow this protocol.
It didn't stop with work. I had hoped it would eventually fade into oblivion.
It spread to my gaming and to my friends. For weeks I have dreamt I was playing WoW and I would read my screen to realize I would be thinking one thing and IMing completely other phrasing. These would be direct chats to my friends, guildies and mass public in general. Other times I would send out personal attacking and utter lies to close friends and families. Opinions and facts that were not only completely fabricated but often hateful and punishing. My caring and generous nature is running at its full flight or flight mode.
This has had me not only waking up with tears marking my face but also logging on in the wee hours to reset passwords and verify I didn't need to do unnecessary damage patrol of epic proportions.
Lately this hysteria is fading into my friends. This morning I woke myself up thinking I had let down a few specific individuals with some sort of important emails I had PROMISED them I would have to them by certain times/dates. Although I can't for the life of me now remember what they were..
This is driving me slowly and surely crazy.
I have changed my nighttime habits repeatedly hoping it would fix it. From my regular 9p bedtime to whenever the show is over or I pass out on the couch. I get new books and bury my head in their luscious pages. My mind may cling to the story until completion but my brain still produces the same technical nightmares. I pray. I listen to the radio. I don't listen to the radio. I workout. I don't workout. I look like crap at work. I change my diet.
I have even nearly banished myself from most social networking sites from my favorite game WoW to Facebook because I am so hyperaware of the fact that maybe I will lose control like in my dreams and it just won't stop.
Nothing seems to work.
I refuse to medicate but yet know I can't continue down this train track and function during the daytime effectively. For the most part the evening monsters only poke their heads out in the edges of my daylight hours but yet I hate the fact that regardless of my exhausted state of when I lay my head down I'll still be up at this same time trying to fight these unrelenting demons.
I really hope this will abate a little when MrD comes home. Now that we're prepping for a move to Germany in the late Spring I am wondering if that is just a naive thought. Oye.
