There seems to be a misconceived notion that the nearer you get to the end of the deployment the giddier you'll get. Shandi made a very astute quote this evening by telling me: "you'll either get more antsy or completely numb to the whole thing."
My skin is on fire lately. I crave a man's touch like a marathon runner, in the middle of the Sahara crawling on their belling across the endless expanse of sand, craves a single solitary drop of water. I cannot imagine the goose-bumps that will fly across my skin the first time MrD brushes a finger across the nape of my neck, bumps his shoulder into mine or brushes his lips against me with the lightest of touches.
It's taking every ounce of my concentration to see through the white elephant lolly-gagging it's fat ass in the middle of my eyesight. No matter where I turn it's yawning, stretching and fiddling like an impatient feline. I equally want to pet it, stroke it and name it and poke it, whack it and erase it back to invincibility.
I don't think I can afford to admit the fear, the longing, the loneliness of missing him in my presence. It's like labeling the ache and shadow of not bearing a child that has lodged itself so high in my breast bone that it has permanently become another piece of me.
I let life distract me. It's sort of transitioned my jitteriness into other avenues.
I get frustrated for my mom-mate when she's in a funk.
I medicate my puppy who has a some-what slowly evolving fatal tumor in her right rear hip. [I've just not been in the mood to even broach the subject of discovering my baby's death script or the $500+ vet/med bill that keeps climbing.]
I scrub and medicate my kitten's neck wound multiple times a day. [He got his curiosity where it shouldn't be, said the vet, and has to wait until the hair grows back.]
I gorge and binge myself on WoW gaming.
I edit photos here and there but can't focus enough or feel motivated enough to throw them on my blog.
I am here. I hire and fire. I laugh and try to only cry in moderate bits.
I stay awake way too late. Wide eyed ... chattering aimlessly at the mom-mate or blink-blink-blinking through shows. I wake up randomly, sometimes restlessly and today at the exact time my ass should've been at my desk.
I try to capture bits and pieces for my blog and it flits away from me like a delicate drunken butterfly.
