Dear Darla Diaries

clomid cycle 1 million and 1

or “here we go again: medicated attempt #4”

(My mother says I exaggerate slightly. I deny vehemently)

So with slight hesitation I write this post. I constantly do this kind of thing to myself than end up getting in trouble. By this ‘kind of thing’ I refer to my big trap and open book life. I really feel that the majority of life is an open book. By honestly sharing your journeys with other people you have a greater chance of helping someone and showing them that there can be a light at the end of a somewhat clogged tunnel. We may fail miserably at times but for some reason Mr. D and I have always lived that honest way. Sure we may bicker and argue and sometimes I’m positive we’re Italians and just don’t know it, we also portray the reality of living in a committed relationship. Sometimes it just ain’t peachy when two people are trying to both be all about them. That doesn’t mean you have to give up though. So often I get to remove my foot from my mouth or come clean when it’s my fault because that’s life too.

So anyway, the problem with being as honest and current as I have been is that when I am uncertain and want to possibly not share as much as I have been about a situation, I feel like I’m letting you, the reader, down. It’s like building up to the finale of “could this be the month” than I go AWOL and post in 6 months that I’m ready to birth a parasite. Kind of not fair and really cheap don’t you think?

All that being said, today I popped my last dose of Clomid 100mg for this cycle. After the doctor’s devastation and complete bewilderment over the last cycle this is a bit anticlimactic. She was just so positive I was pregnant and in complete denial when the tests came up with a big fat negative and visit from Aunt Flo. Now she seems to be 120% positive that this current Clomid dosage is putting me at such a high ovulation rate that this month, if the boy breathes near me, I’LL CONCEIVE. Haven’t we heard that before? The best part is that I don’t have to do a 21 day progesterone blood panel this month. Thank god, my veins need a reprieve.

Hmmm, so by my doctor’s standards I could know if there are 1, 2, 3+ buns in the oven by as little as two weeks after ovulation. If for some reason this just doesn’t work she’s just going to phone in the referral to see a specialist downtown. For some reason I’m still so leery of getting my hopes up. After attempt and attempt I’ve become so paranoid. I know the reality is that what will be what it will be yet I catch myself thinking of I think a certain way or do certain things I could jinx it. Like my mojo is jacking it all up.

It’s frustrating that each time I try to just focus on working out and WoW and family and crocheting I get tripped back up by this military timeline and life and just wanting to be pregnant.

Mr. D had to remind me that he may deploy in 12 months. That means instead of being pregnant with our possibly only children when he’s out, I could have my hands full of infants. That thought almost had me going on a hiatus but after all this work I just couldn’t throw in the towel. Besides, I’d rather he gets to experience 9 wonderful months of pregnancy at my beck and call than missing out on the food cravings and bloating and bitchiness and birth. With the new internet stuff he’ll be able to see our babies via a computer screen no matter where he’s at. I suppose there are arguments on all sides.

So here we go again. Luckily my red-blooded testosterone filled man doesn’t have a problem at all with all this practicing and baby making nonsense.

see you tomorrow

Give us a small break if you please.

One last night with the fabulous MIL before she heads back to Southern Oregon.

Many photos and video clips to load from the fabulous Skyfest air show we hosted this weekend as well as the new and inaugural perennial garden we planted and the refurbished hammock I'm so amped about. I'm sure I'll also toss in some details about the current Let's Have A Baby cycle and the ridiculously cute baby bunny - baby blanket I'm fingering. It's great.

ya ever wish the weekend was longer?

I used to get weird looks from coworkers when I said I wished we had 8 day work weeks. I figured for all the companies who didn't see the cost saving benefit of working four ten-hour shift work weeks this would be the other solution to having three day weekends. As if constant three day weekends doesn't benefit the employee and the workforce.

If I had constant three day weekends I think I would have a set chore day and two days to stay in bed or play WoW or crochet or blog my ass off. But since I don't I'm like the rest of America in dragging myself out of bed after a semi-productive Saturday to try and wrap up bills, laundry, dishes, floors, pets, pet poop and mowing (hopefully before 3p) so we can catch the Blue Angels up front and personal across base at the annual Skyfest air show.

If anyone needs me I'll be under the mess pile in the middle of the house sucking my thumb.

she got punk'd

After a long and hectic week of work, sleep, gym, shopping, cooking, pets, general b.s. and the like, we thought to round down tonight with a cheap base movie. It was a showing of Wanted and at $4 a ticket. Who can go wrong. So we giggled with a group and laughed at the intense gory killer special effects part. After the movie we decided to meet up for a smallish 9p run, or so I thought.

I sat down in long nylon pants and a medium weight hooded sweatshirt to tie my shoes. I noticed my friends not getting out of the car. I was pretty positive we would be walking dogs in the cool breezy night air under the brewing thunderstorm clouds while the boys sprinted at insane speeds. I notice her husband kept doing the "get in the damn car" snap. I kept flipping him the "get outta the damn car" snap. Giving into his stubbornness I finally knotted my last lace and  crammed into the very crowded Jetta.

Where's the walk I ask as we pull away from the curb. My question got answered as we pulled up to the gym. It was open for 45 minutes and never underestimate Hotsu's capacity to abuse every last minute. Yea, I actually did a full treadmill run. I know, the girl can do like 1k jump ropes or throw a 40lb kettle bell around the gym or do 200 air squats and run 2 miles but was never coordinated enough to run on the treadmill. Seriously. I could only speed walk if holding onto the handle. I would've sucked at Biggest Loser.

Yea, we did the full workout while yours truly was wearing fall outdoors clothing in a 95 degree gym. Sweating doesn't even begin to cover it. I looked like Rocky after a few miles. When we all climbed back into the car to head home I remarked to H that I felt like I'd been Punk'd. Where's Ashton? He said oh, I thought you were in on the workout plan, no wonder you gave me a WTF look when I told you to get in the car.

WoW head: darla's alter ego

My Mother-in-Law, my dear ball-bustin', wood cutting, bear hunting, ocean fishin', gardening, mill working turned gamer obsessed MIL called me a WoWhead! (In her defense the woman taking lessons from me this week on how to "steer" her very nice and brand spankin' XPS DELL laptop topped out for her gaming obsessions can run nearly neck and neck with teenage boys at a game played daily by millions of people. World of Warcraft or WoW. On her last visit in the fall, when she'd already been mired up to her pretty neck in it, my kid sis Roo threatened me with bodily harm if I crossed over to the dark side and played with THEM. And by them she meant all the lack of sleep, butt sore, WoW obsessed people that live, eat and breathe the game. Anyone remember the conversation I had with the CompUSA geek when we purchased the software?

All I can say is: I'm sorry Roo. In efforts to bound with MIL (can I blame it on that?) I dipped my toe into the waters. And have subsequently spent the last two weekends being up 'til 2 or 3am multiples with it.

It started with this innocent looking character I created:

But I think I got called a WoW head when MIL woke up yesterday to discovered I created the next little fellow, without assistance and had leveled him almost even with Greet. Huge feat and a sign that the addiction was creeping in. Yes, I said him. The game let's you be a girl or boy. Boy's like to have a least one girl character cause they can trick boys into giving them free crap. I wanted to by a boy since (a) I've always been upset cause I can't pee standing up and (b) why do the boys get to have all the fun?

One of the only good things with the MIL leaving in mid-August is that we'll be back to one laptop and I'll have to share with Mr. D. I can't be ignoring my hooking, I think I can hear my yarn crying from the corner of the living room. Please play with me! I want to make things too!

reach for the sky

This photo is a little birthday present from me to my daddy. I stumbled into it from series of two memory cards of photos I "borrowed" from him on my last visit home. You can see where I get my passion for majestic things. Happy Birthday Daddy from your middle child and oldest girl brat!

so i may not be pregnant yet, but ...

went to my doctors apt. got brilliant news. my progesterone levels are up, up up. 20 to be exact. and the set of levels before that really were bottom low: 1.1.  i wasn't getting pregnant because i wasn't even ovulating. she said they hope to see p levels of at least 5 and 10 means there's ovulating. 20 equals lots of ovulation.

the dr was so excited that she had me take a preg test right after my apt. she said you can actually get a pos test as early as two weeks! the results were neg. but that's ok. we'll retest in a week than she'll give me another super clomid dose. that may be the key after all.

so fingers crossed. and rest assured i'm really excited right now to know i could actually get preg naturally and not be a high miscarry risk! someone pry me off the ceiling!

smallish update: my cycle's back. yes, a small tear was shed. but, as i've already mentioned, that's ok. we'll pop another round of 100 clomid and the always eager mr. d will have to practice what he does best, until i beat him off with a stick.

monotony and timing

Does lack of mental stimulation make you drowsy? Does staring at the same computer screen for hours at a time make you a little dizzy and out of focus. Does the monotony of your job put you to sleep? Me too.

I eat, I drink, I even put little binder clips on my fingers, but to no avail. I suppose I could pound more sugar free Monsters, but my teeth already remind me that they’re past due a  good dental experience. Pouring battery acid on my tender gums may not be in my best interest. Beating my head against my desk just causes pain and blood. Getting a good nights rest may be a good idea, once I get this sinus draining under control and can actually breathe again.

I can’t help but wonder if it’s the switch from Claritan D to Zyrtec D. Claritan never made me drowsy.

Alls I know is that the past two days has been a big fight to try and stay awake. And my English has become a little sloppy. Good thing today’s my Friday and it’s all water under the bridge now.

 

In other news, tomorrow is the big nail biting dr apt.

It’s the verdict of my last progesterone panel (fingers crossed it’s not bottom low.)

It’s D31 of my cycle (fingers crossed they actually verify this time if I have to wait 50 days to know if there might be a bun in the oven.)

It’s FINALLY  the referral apt to see a fertility specialist (the months and setbacks seem to have been going on forever.)

It’s also hopefully the first inkling into if invitro may be possible or if we should just start looking into the adoption stuff.

I’m just trying to not think about it. I’m so anxious I’ve already called the doctor to make sure this appointment has NOT been rescheduled for the 3^rd week in a row. I might go hormonal on someon’s ass. I think it’s justified right?!? I guess I’ll have to resign myself to a night of late hour WoW (damn the MIL for the new addiction!) (God bless her for being adorable as hell), some hooking on a new adorable blanket – bunny combo set that I’m in love with and some good old fashion movie time. Just rented 21 and have made plans to hit the afternoon opening matinee of Mummy 3 as a feel good moment after the stress of the dr. apt.  (Also why I gave myself the day off work.)

Toodles.