Dear Darla Diaries

alls well

Friday wrapped up with a neat little bow. I fell into a new book called "The Shack." Mr. Darla whipped up two huge batches of taco soup chili that hugged me warmly while I fell into the happy cocoon of sleep. Today is all about the football as we pack the chili over to a friends with a media room that every teenage boy could dream of. So it's all about the boys, the balls and some fun.

cd28: it always comes down to the number game

So today is CD28. If you've read anything about my blog you'll know that's when the antsyness starts to creep in and the twitching begins. Have I finally produced a parasite or still barren? Hmmm? In my defense the doctor has practically sealed a pregnancy this cycle with a gold star. But, my life experience and cynicism still leaves me balancing the razor edge of doubt and skepticism. As in: I've heard that speel before lady.

Anyway, with it being so late in my cycle I casually mentioned my fears to my friend. She made the cutest comment: Well, do you feel pregnant? Funny that you ask, because I don't know what that feels like. Each time I think I've finally stumbled into the right symptom, including slight nausuea and 14 days late, I'm proven wrong. Not to mention that 95% of my premense symptoms could be diagnosed either way.

I was inspired to do a little blog post out of the whole compare and contrast of it all. Can't we bloggers write about anything? Coffee? Bad day at work? Bratty kids? Sniffly kids? Pregnancy? Infertility? Stop signs? Getting the picture?

Here's a little compare/contrast. I'm using my twin as sample of the "pregnancy symptoms" since I lived with her from gestation through the first 6 months of so, of both her boys. She's my experience by proxy. I am a PANK after all! 

Symptom 1: My face has become coated with more acne than a tween near puberty. Close to the worst outbreak in my life. I'm not amused. One way or another my hormones are on the fritz.

Pregnancy symptom: Check, check.
NonPrego symptom: Slightly unusual outbreak about beginning of cycle.

Symptom 2: Very sensitive and sore breasts.

Pregnancy symptom: Check, check, including swelling and size gain.
NonPrego symptom: Check, check.

Symptom 3: Lower back pain. Sometimes it just feels like my lower vertebrae are revolting and my hips have realigned themselves.

Pregnancy symptom: Check, check.
NonPrego symptom: Same!

Symptom 4: Restless sleep. Slight insomnia.

Pregnancy symptom: Check.
NonPrego symptom: Could just be the result of Mr. D's schedule shift to graveyard.

The doctor may be of the clinical mind that I could get a positive test as early as September 2, but once again my doubts come into play. I'm thinking of waiting until possibly September 15 before testing. It's been assumed that I'm far from normal and after buying and testing through a stocks worth of home pregnancy tests in the past, I just get a little leery. That and as silly as it sounds, I just don't want to jinx it.

happy 2 year mil-versary

Oh how the last 24 months have flown by

August 2006: departure day. I remember standing in a small enclosed room, watching you and 25 others, swear into the USAF. We were so young and naive, even though you were the old man in the group at 26 years-old.

I remember the anticipation. We had quizzed my little sister to death. She was the veteran military member of the family, at the ripe age of 23. We thought we had a slight understanding of this little adventure of mayhem and madness we were embarking on but really, we hadn’t the foggiest.

I left you that day and tried not to wreck my car as I embarked to the maze of chaos outside of Portland. I just cried and cried to release the tension of our first 6 weeks apart without contact. (Incidentally I was blessed to get a weekly call from you, though always brief, short and sweet with a purpose, a bragging right nonetheless.) For a moment I wasn’t sure if the world was now spinning backwards on its axis or not. It was all so blinding and raw.

A few painful weeks later I was never so proud as to stand in the audience and watch you graduate from basic training. It felt as if I had jumped out of a plane with a parachute but without directions. I was just along for the ride.

August 2007: quite the milestone. We defeated survived” the first year and what a year was that. You changed occupations. We came inches from exiting the military entirely just to have the rug slipped out from underneath us.  We learned how to live apart, and did so at least half of the previous year between trainings and more trainings and exercises. I embarked in a new career with Human Resources at the company I coyly refer to as both M.A.S.H. and Enron, depending on the moment. We learned to live and breathe in this new eastern Washington environment. I finally poured my heart out to how much I resented and hated the first year. How I had thought we made such a horrible mistake and how I had wronged you by not following through with my promise to stick it out and try it. I missed my friends and my family and our “familiar” life.

August 2008: we have adapted. I hate to admit it but after a full year of us both doing a steady job and living in the same house and having a constant schedule it doesn’t seem quite so awkward and intimidating. I’ve mastered the rules and the laws and the layman speak. At least 4 more years of this doesn’t seem so bad, at least not the end of the world as we knew it.

We’ve endured the worst winter this area has seen in many decades. It was long hours and longer shift pushing, pulling, scooping, deicing and moving feet after feet of thick snow for you.

We’ve waded through a good years worth of fertility appointments, medications, blood tests, more blood tests, invasive minor procedures and the clomid, still not cigar, but getting closer.

We’ve dealt with the annual death in the families (sad, but so true, the “annual” part.) As bad things come in three’s, we experienced such a number within the few short weeks of April and May. I wonder about those that have lived three decades and never experienced loss. It matures you and strengthens you and can be so tiring at times.

We got a new pet. Little Dude was tossed into the mix around Christmas and has really settled into a niche. He’s claimed ownership of the dog, talks up a storm and can fill a litter box with the best of them.

We attended our first black tie military event the annual “Dining In – Dining Out” gala. Granted I was a little underdressed, and the youngest ranking military members wife at our table while you were polished to the nines in your honor guard best. I forced myself to stay and we had a great time.

You finally completed your CDC’s or Career Development Course and became an official Journeyman Road Construction Equipment Operator. (The CDC’s being the required training for each and every career the US military have to offer.) We learned that your brilliant mind can very easily develop beyond your high school education and are looking forward to pursuing a secondary education after a small hiatus from the books.

We’ve made great friends, and great acquaintances. We learned to somewhat balance our commuting and long distance relationships. No matter how much it hurts.

Happy two year military anniversary baby! Thank you for insisting on the career change however startling it may have been. Though at times the separation from home may feel like a knife to the heart it has been amazing to watch your metamorphisis from a swaddled pupa building custom homes for a friend, meat cutting, and pulling lumber in the womb of our youth to a full fledged butterfly in a completely alien environment with the entire responsibility of the government resting on your shoulders. You’ve done such a beautiful job with their expectations. I’m quite proud. Keep it up!

(Oh look at us such a long 24 months ago ...)

you say tomato we say tabata

Sorry I haven't blogged much lately.  Between being in a bit of a time consuming funk at my job and just living I've been keeping kind of sidetracked with our nightly Cross Fit workout of the day or "WOD" and the accompanying CrossFit Endurance ass whoopin. What's a better distraction from fertility woes than making your body hard and painful nearly every night?

First let me introduce you to the obnoxious likes of "Murph", "Angie", "Fran" and the thing we call "Tabata Something Else." The website assigns exact exercise routines for each day, and it always varies. Some things like Murph, Angie and Fran routinely pop into the monthly sets.

"Murph" [aka the worlds longest Cross WOD to date!]
[I was so very impressed with it's namesake by the end of this little gem.]
For time: [ha ha "for time" more like "to finish!"]
1 mile Run
100 Pull-ups [or 5 sets of 20 jumping Pull-ups]
200 Push-ups [or 5 sets of 40 girlie Push-ups]
300 Squats [or 5 sets of 60 air squats]
1 mile Run [or walk and try not to fall over - Hatsu pulled off the only run. Psycho!]
Partition the pull-ups, push-ups, and squats as needed. Start and finish with a mile run. If you've got a twenty pound vest or body armor, wear it. [If you can actually run the last mile good for you! Use the body armor as a pillow for the much needed nap.]

"Angie" aka Bitch
For time:
100 Pull-ups
100 Push-ups
100 Sit-ups
100 Squats
[Your arms and legs will revolt for a minimum of 48 to 72 hours after that nonsense.]
[We broke it down to start off with 50 Pull-ups on an assist machine than 5 rounds of 20 of each, with a final 50 Pull-ups. Takes the cake this one.]

"Fran" 
Three rounds, 21-15- and 9 reps, for time of:
95-pound Thruster
Pull-ups
[Oh, so not fun. Even with 45 pound kettle bells instead of 95]

"Tabata Something Else" ... I'll show you something else
Complete 32 intervals of 20 seconds of work followed by ten seconds of rest where the first 8 intervals are pull-ups, the second 8 are push-ups, the third 8 intervals are sit-ups, and finally, the last 8 intervals are squats. There is no rest between exercises. [Though you may beg, whine and plead for the rest you just can't. You just have to push it one more time.]

If that isn't enough you are supposed to do a full exercise of something like this "1 Minute Hell" on top of Helen, Angie or Murph or what we call a Cross Fit Endurance:

The 1 Minute Hell  no really, Hell on earth

3 + Hours after CrossFit Main Site WOD [Yea we usually do them in tandem or just do bits of one and a complete standard WOD or vice versus, because we don't have enough hours in the day to pull it off like they recommend.]

All Sports: Goal is to use maximum effort for 1 min interval. No Fouls if all out efforts.

1min on, 1 min off, 1 min on, 50 sec off, 1 min on, 40 sec off, 1 min on, 30 sec off, 1 min on 20 sec off, 1 min on, 10 sec off, then go back up the ladder... 1 min on, 20 sec off, until you finish with 1 min on, 50 sec off, 1 min on.

[For example we rowed. We essentially did 14 slamming rows of 200 meters at 1 min each with very little rest. You really start to resent those around encouraging you do "just one more."]

If all that nonsense doesn't spin your noodle!

yarn commission

I was commissioned by Em's 5 year-old daughter El to make her a dino-pillar. Aunt Darla please make me a dinosaur-caterpillar. With five horns across the head like a crown!

I found this little gem through Ravelry.com and think I should be able to modify it.

Otherwise I'll just whip up a separate dinosaur also found at Ravelry:

In the words of Mia, I better go hook something. It is a great relaxation technique after all and I've pledged to do as little as possible this weekend. High aspirations I know.

another day, another cranky bill collector

Nothing like a slap in the face to turn your slow progression into a mockery. My car company called at my job today to inform me I was 27 days behind in the payment. The same damn payment I posted 14 days ago on their website for $15 more than they wanted. Where did it go? Mars? So instead of feeling slightly accomplished I really do have to lock myself in with my bills and toss shoes at the door of anyone who tries to gain entrance. Mr. D has the night off and may be slightly cranky when I confiscate our sole computer for my evil selfish bill organizing purposes. Maybe I’ll send him to the batting cages by himself. That’ll teach him. So sadly, another night without a decent blog to my name. Bear with me while I dig out of my doldrums.

update: I'm very happy to report that I was able to wake up with a smile on my face and bounce in my step. Not only am I able to pay the little car bastards what I owe them but I got the rest of the mess sorted out as well. I was even able to squeeze in some WoW time with my MIL and get some sleep with the normally working Mr.D. Sure makes Friday seem more blessed.

I think the only sad one in my house today is little D. The smallish fuzz bucket of a cat is losing his manhood today, much to the relief of my ears.

all wrung out

I couldn’t even begin to describe the insanity of our weekend or why I’m so drained and can’t focus. I can say the world was a blur between Friday when I got off work and the beginning part of this week. Today I had to actually go into lock down mode after to work to get my bills sorted and paid before Mr. D kicked my butt across the living room. Not that his hands or very intelligent brain are broken, per se, but once you get their expectations up you hate to disappoint.

Monday and Tuesday have been spent scrambling to catch up. My body is also still in revolt over Mr. D’s switch to graveyards for the next few weeks.  So I fidget through work, fly through the grocery store or Wal-mart or gas station before arriving home. Than there’s the laundry and dishes and sorting through trip stuff and mail, meanwhile trying to make sure Mr. D is awake and out the door for his shift. So at nearly an hour later than normal I try to squeeze in my nightly gym time (to get in some muscle pre-pregnancy).  At the end of it all the sleep absolutely sucks because my ears are on over drive and my cat is on crack at night, between the meowing, thumping, sprinting and creaking there isn’t much hope beyond 5 hours or so.

The whole thing has been throwing me so far out of whack I don’t know if I’m coming or going. On top of it all I must confess to reaching a level of utter boredom with my job. It’s hard because I’ve been biding my time to see if I’m pregnant before I go job hopping. I figured a few weeks of maternity leave may be the right time to reconsider employment options or might settle down my antsy-ness. So wasting time for 9 hours a day isn’t helping anything. I’m just trying to remind myself to be grateful I’m employed and can pay bills during this recession time.

Enough of my whining, but now you know what I’ve been up to and how dreadfully sorry I am for falling behind on my blog stalking ... er reading ... and comment leaving and loving and sharing. Do forgive the inattention, it will be remedied shortly. It must be, you are my sanity.

xoxo
Darla

p.s. A coworker just told me I looked young. When I asked him for an exact age he said 34. Yeah, try just shy of 30. Way to make a girl feel good, after all he’s only 44!

lost in text-lation

From: Hubby
10:47a Tue Aug19

my girl friend came in the male today. good night. love you.

To: Hubby
11:387a Tue Aug19
What? What girlfriend? Arg!

4:35p realization:
So netflicks should come in the mail today. Mr. D will be so happy since it's three discs of Jag season 4. Starring non other than his first love since puberty, Catherine Bell. Also known as "his girlfriend."

Ahhh.

just a little SkyFest

(I also somehow managed to rewrite the insanity that was my “about darla” page. If you’re bored, have a glance and toss out your two cents.)

reality hits a bit close to home

So I was having this little chat with God on my way to work this morning when he stumbled me into an epiphany and a harsh ugly reality at that. I am a snarky bitch. (I don’t know why people think God wouldn’t call a spade a spade if the receiver doesn’t find it offensive.) I especially have this problem with always having to have one or two people that I consistently harp on. Doesn’t matter if they breathe, cross my path or don’t shave in the morning but for some reason they irritate the crap out of me. My problem especially lies in the fact that I dwell on it. I bitch, I harp, I whine, I nag, and very irrationally I might add, and generally drive my friends batty.

Yep, that sucks big time.

 

God brought up a good point and showed me a few things that I thought I should come clean with. Yea, he does like to do that when we least expect it. In my case it it’s in the middle of a huge hiatus from church or a consistent church family (still waiting to be discovered after 2 years in this corner of the world), and after a long dry spell of any inspirational music besides “I kissed a girl” by Katy Perry and “Mercy” by Duffy. Ok, so maybe the 2^nd one is just as horrid as “Lips of an angel” by Hinder and gets stuck in your head just as bad. Don’t you love catching yourself singing the tune before you grasp the full lyrics of ‘I can’t believe that just came out of my mouth!’ So let’s bring the train back to the station, the little ooh-ah-my bad moments from this mornings drive.

 

(a) You don’t have to be angry with them just because you don’t like them. As mentioned in the movie Never Back Down (MMA video courtesy of MTV) by the wise mixed martial arts instructor, you are always responsible. You make the decision to change whatever situation you’re in, whether by attitude or action. God loves to get his point across in millions of tiny ways from bill boards to commercials to yes, MTV movies. Inspiration is divine and not always from a pew or Christian radio station, although could be both. So regardless of how irritated I am I can choose to be snippy and short or I can choose to ignore them like any other stranger in the world and get on with life. Or in a direct quote from my Em! because she hit the nail right on the heaad:

CHOOSE TO SEE THEM AS AN EXTENSION OF ME AS WE ARE ALL CONNECTED IN SOME WAY IN THIS WORLD AND NO STRUGGLE IS UNIQUE EVEN THOUGH EACH PERSON IS UNIQUE IN THEIR OWN EXPERIENCE (don't have to add my buddhist exatentialism but just thought I would give you my two cents;)

 

(b) GOD loves them. If my whole theory on life is based on that little truth that God is love then I should remember to treat people that way. I don’t have to be there best friend or even friend at all to remember that God loves them and so should I. That means if I don’t like them I shouldn’t harbor bitterness or envy but a nonchalant air perhaps like you do for the mail man or grocery clerk or financial institution. You wish the best and that can be good enough. If they were at their wits and needed something you’d try and help them and not spit on the burning embers of their shoes.

 

(c) Why are you angry with them? I came to a bit of a startling revelation on this. Anger comes from somewhere. If you look hard and deep enough you’ll find that anger often comes from an injustice that for some reason has skewed our opinion on the subject. I think I’m angry due a slight bit of jealousy or envy. I think it’s really as simple as they didn’t like me. That just doesn’t sit well. I’m so accustomed to being the talkative gregarious person that can drive wall flies out of their shelves and normally shy people into self revelation. When equally friendly or aggressive people are consistently rude to me for no reason or rebuff me I get a little offended and my fur just gets plain ruffled. In the past I’ve made that mistake over soon-to-be really great friends but in other instances I don’t let myself get over it until they move away or just stay out of my circle of influence.

So the morale of this little tirade: get over myself. If I can’t remember that refer to steps A and B. If that’s too hard to remember call up the best friends and ask them to please slap me silly until the point gets through my big fat stubborn head.