My BFF's 6 and 10-year-old boys uttered nearly exactly the same phrase to me within five minutes of each other. And the older one wasn't in the room when the younger one said it.
Hey Darla why are you wearing those farming clothes? Are you going farming? Sadly they said it with a straight face and were completely serious and curious.
Having a midlife crisis? Realizing you're nearing your 30s and you feel like you may need to dress a little more 'appropriate' for your age? (I myself am a shameless slightly raggedy bohemiem chic. A mix of styles, hippie and relaxed and as much as I may cave to some fads I'm also not giving up all my 'young' styles.) Than check out these bits and pieces from a very reflective blog from Oxygen Wardrobe titled "Closet Clean-out - The Woman in Her '30s ." And I say revealing because the girlfriend who showed me kept saying 'Oh that's me and that's me and yep, that too!'
Let's start with her first point and head to her last.
1. She has flip flop issues.
Whether I like it or not, flip flops are convenient. Easy to slip on, cheap, comfortable for short errands and puttering around the house, pool, and beach.
However, they are not proper footwear, and shouldn’t be worn as such. Flip flops are not worn by stylish women outside of the above mentioned locations. This means no flops for work, no flops for the mall, no flops for dates, no flops in place of proper footwear. Flip flops are the shoes of adolescents and when they are worn by a woman, they look tacky and out of place.
I'm sure that's fairly reasonable, after all if they are smelly are broken they probably shouldn't be in your closet to begin with, however flip flops are like clogs and you either LOVE them or can't really appreciate them. I don't think I've ever mentioned but I didn't even start wearing flip flops until I got married actually, and I don't remember why.
2. Talktive tee's aren't just for tweens anymore.
Fake vintage soda pop ads, Hello Kitty, Care Bears, plays on words, glittery phrases telling the world how sexy, spoiled or fun you are… they all should go in the donation bag STAT
A stylish woman also doesn’t proclaim her hobbies or fetishes on her bosom.
Oooh, so I guess my 'He calls it stalking, I call it LOVE shirt' isn't such a good idea?
3-4. Denim tops, skorts and shorts and mini's are only great for dress-up .... by 6 year-old girls ... in the privacy of their bedroom.
This means denim bustiers, chambray shirts, denim shells, vests, cropped little jackets, and all those other pieces that you have been holding on to since the mid ‘90s because someone made you think that denim was classic.
Denim is not classic.
Skorts have not been in fashion for many years, no matter what QVC or that mail-order catalog tells you. Donate them all
Super short skirts look desperate, dated and wrong on the majority of women on this planet.
The combination of short skirt and high heel is never stylish.
I guess I need to put my street walking clothes in the grab bag. Mr. D will be so disappointed ... I was sure that his favorite date outfit was that skort!
5. Cheap bras aren't good for anyone.
No matter your size, a cheap bra is not a flattering bra. It’s time to get rid of ... the mesh or stretchy lace ones that provide zero support or shape, the ones that are falling apart, the one you bought because it matched those panties that have since been tossed but the bra is so comfortable and it doesn’t matter because you only wear it on weekends…
This one I believe is a no brainer for any age. Unless you're in a training bra If you're big enough to need a permanent boost your big enough to need a properly fitted bust holder.
6. No one needs the small church prarie dresses, there are classier models. Laura Ashley dresses? What's a Laura Ashley dress? I think we'll skip this point because even my backwoods Oregon upbringing doesn't have a clue and trust me I've seen my fair shair of mumu's, polyester, pegged pants, overalls and skorts. After a second perusal I see that she did, in fact, nail my childhood firmly on the head. Luckily when I ventured into the adult sizes, a very fit 14 I might add, they all fell by the way side from lack of proper fit.
These are the dresses that are often made of rayon or challis, bias cut or with an empire waist and hang from mid-calf to ankle length. In the early ‘90s they were often spaghetti strap and worn alone as a sundress or paired with a baby tee. Usually these dresses are seen with tank-style straps or cap sleeves. They are sometimes solid on color, but usually in floral print (hence the “Laura Ashley” term).
I think her exact quote may have been only suited for a 'childish bedroom' or churches in the 90s. Harsh, but true?
7. Cheap polyester skirts? What? I would never *she says as frantically shoving those exact offending pieces under the bed*
They are not flattering (they show every curve and bump), they usually hit at a weird place on the leg, the fabric goes with little other than the poly tops and acrylic sweaters that were sold during the same era, and they look very dated and cheap.
Well, this Wardrobe Diva has quite the opinion doesn't she?!
8. There are tops for clubs and than there are club tops!
It’s stretch satin, polyester mesh, Lycra. It has rhinestones, sequins, beading, lace cut-outs or maybe all four. It is near impossible to wear with a bra or the couple of days before your period. It’s a top that you don’t mind having a bit of beer spilled on it, possibly your “Get Lucky” top.
Of course she wants those to go as well. Not 'stylish' and probably screams cheap and tryingtohard.
Sufficiet to say I've rarely lived in an area that had clubs, when I was old enough to get into them, until after I got married and we haven't quite become regulars. I might, however, still have a few of those tops laying around.
9. Her last but not least, bit of advice, is about Cheap.Suiting.
Problem is that sort of suiting doesn’t work in most parts of the retail world. Unless you work in fashion, retail, beauty or a very creative firm, cheap and sexy suiting is a no-go. As for cheap suiting – it’s better to show up in a sweater and trousers than an ill-fitting and cheaply fashioned blazer. Cheap suiting gives off the same impression as the cheap club tops – you are desperate and you are not the cream of the crop.
Ya, I don't own one and don't have any intention of buying one. I am the dress shirt with sweater vest nerd myself, although I don't own a set yet otherwise. I constantly struggle with the 'standard' office look of leggy suits and polyester and sweater vests and I just keep screaming NO! I want to embrace my individuality and possibly get in the habit of wearing a touch of makeup on a daily basis to even out all the uneven skin tones. In the mean time, because life is always hectic and busy and my excuse for only having WalMarta as a near store, I just wear a lot of bits and pieces, which my include a talktive tee and flip flop if the situation requires.
So I can probably admit to having a good chunk of what she has an opinion about, and I'm fairly sure I've already mentioned it. I'm sure they were just handmeovers, not that I should make excuses for my overflowing teeny closet. I'm also convinced those people on What Not To Wear would toss out half most of my wardrobe anyways. That's why I don't let them in. Hear that? That's them knocking right now!
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Now here's the test: If you scrutinized your closet what's that one piece of clothing you insist on clinging to that you really know should be tossed to the nearest curb or donated to a church. It's not complimentary or cute or anywhere near your age bracket.
I'll offer up, ever so begrudgingly, the majority of my work pants selections. My best pair of fitted jeans is from AEO. The rest of ill fitted, too big and too small, slightly baggy, too long, too short and possibly a little stretched/ripped. I would be lying to think they look more professional and less slightly sloppy. I do match them with zipper hoodies ... and yes I do job interviews FOR.A.LIVING. Judge me now!
I'll just say that the first day at the new j.o.b. was death by dvd. Like 1930s sexual harassment style dvds. My trainer is utterly adorable and supremely chaotic and disorganized. It was hard to be irritable with someone so sweet but I can already tell I have my work cut out for me. Three cheers to a new job with new challenges!
Some thank you notes need doled out. I apologize in advance for not getting to them sooner!
Em: My best friend, my dear. I've thanked you on many occasions and may I just say MY WORLD IS NOT THE SAME WITHOUT YOU. What can be said considering your ovaries and emotions can trump Mr. D's testosterone on many occasions. I LOVE YOU lady!
Sarah: Thanks for your brilliant political blog and for the notes on Matt Damon. I love the fact that you can wrap your brain around all the politics, jargon and propaganda and make sense of it all. It's complicated and often above what I even want to walk near, let alone dive into, and I love your blog (even if I'm left too tongue tied to comment on the difficult stuff.)
Mia: Thanks for your literary prowess. Your daily blogs are always such beautiful works of art that can be sweet, poignant and sarcastic all at the same. All the while you are neck deep in school books and very little sleep. You impress me, yes you do.
Queenie, Queenie, Queenie, Queenie: Where to begin? Your support in this infertility mess and life's insights are quite invaluable. Thanks for being in the middle of your big projects, your huge support into U.T.E.R.U.S. and Borneo and still reminding me that you love to read my blog. Sniff* your comments reminded me to be a little embarrassed for that little "where did they all go?" post. (As well as Mia, Sarah and Angel.)
Angel: What a lovely little South Africaan gem you are! Thanks for taking the time, amid a very busy life I might add, to always dig back through my very busy blog and comment on them all! You have an amazing attention to detail and I never doubt your incredible support! Thank you so much!
Morgan: You should win an Award for Super Mommy my friend! Your posse and all their characters only keep you a little sidetracked my dear! That and the rest and your ability to randomly text to question my fertility state is just brilliant! You are fantastic. Thank you!
Shandi: My little gym buddy, base partner in crime, cohabitzer of evil and just great friend! Thank you for stalking me when I want to just "skip" the gym and not let me. Thanks for not considering my continual running mouth personally offensive. Thanks for letting me torture your boys as much as I want ... and they'll tolerate! Thanks for letting me corrupt you to WoW. I appreciate you much my friend.
Alfie: My twin. My punk. My achilles heel. Thanks for not forgetting that I was the one connected to you in the womb and still have a disconnected belly button. I appreciate that ... and the tumorous migraine you give me. Let me remind you that though you miss me now, you'll be BEGGING me to leave when we meet again. You just wait.
Thank you all for reading, commenting and reminding me that I'm more loved than I remember and less dysfunctional than I may think. Slightly sarcastic and bitchy on occasion? Sure. Completely out of control and a lunatic? Not so much.
And let me apologize for being a few posts behind on a few of your blogs. I owe you and have some lunch time at home in the future to make up for it.
Take a moment and smell the roses ... or wood grain.
I'm in the mood to slow down ... breathe again ... and be inspired by the little things around me.
A
