Being a Christian isn't always for the weak or faint hearted. There are Those that have these stereotypical mindsets that Christians should be perfect and strong and not hyprocritical. Christians are humans that bleed and have emotions and feelings and faults. The main difference is they should strive for love and sacrifice and believe in eternal hope. That isn't too say we aren't weak or make mistakes or forget.
One of the hardest struggles of faith for me is maternal. I don't question love or salvation or many of the core elements of Christianity. I truly believe we should help each other, and live as a community. I believe that Christians screw up. A lot.
I was raised believing that God Can Do Anything! But it was tempered with He Won't Do Everything. God will answer your prayer the way He sees fit ... which isn't always our hearts desire. I've also been raised to believe that God can answer any prayer. It's such a juxtaposition. The whole will He?/won't He?/why? struggle. The struggle we deal with over death, cancer and limb loss. The struggle we deal with when life seems to be going full speed ahead in the wrong direction.
I know I believe that at the end of any destination is God. He is always standing with us, bearing with us and helping us forge through even the ugliest things in life. Life doesn't always make sense and it's not always ours to understand.
All of that being said, it doesn't make it easier. When I'm wrapped up in my husband's arms and the words are tumbling out in a flood of tears it doesn't make any sense. I don't understand why God has given us such a heart for kids, with totally unexplainably poor working ovaries. Our families, by definition, created the term 'fertile mertile.' I can wax on for days about our kin filling every type of stereotype of who should/shouldn't/could/couldn't become parents and did otherwise. We have Jerry Springers, Teen Moms and dysfunctional wrapped up with a bacon bow tie. And yet, Not Us. We are the anomaly.
I'm told wait for the still small voice. You'll hear it. And I do. For some things. I don't ever doubt the confirmation that my husband was The Right One. I don't doubt that the military and Germany weren't the right decisions. I just don't understand this. I don't understand prophetic friends and family feeling at peace that This Month! or This Year! or This Week! God will answer your prayers. I get so frustrated by the fact that after nearly a decade I still get caught up thinking 'Am I a week late?', 'Could these be pregnancy symptons or just PMS?', 'Should I google these symptons?' and my favorite 'Is it worth it to take yet another pregnancy test to confirm that it's not true and thus disappoint me regardless?'
I want to cling to the faith that Mary was given a virgin birth, miracles happen and people get pregnant every day in ways that completely and utterly define science ... and it could happen to me. I want to NOT believe that our lack of parent status isn't attached to our faith. I want to believe that this time the still small voice isn't me telling myself that it could be true. I want to be able to dream what it could be like to be pregnant, just once, and talk to my husband about it and him not be utterly heartbroken because he knows how utterly heartbroken it makes me.
I just want one baby. One pregnancy. One life. I don't want a million dollars, a fancy home, the perfect job, the perfect pet. Bring on the 'morning-sick-all-the-time.' Bring on bed rest, gestational diabetes, blood pressure and prayer. Bring on something besides my barren womb craving a fetus and the irritation I feel around the plethora of baby spawn makers at my job (which are not the same as Friends! edible babies! nomnomnom!)
As my husband and I seek to renew a healthy and hopeful relationship with God and mend many broken fences that have happened as a combination of life changes and our infertility struggle, we are trying to start new habits. We are starting with communication. This week we are purposefully and deliberately praying for the same topic. Sunday we hope to discuss the scemantics of Adoption, not just the theory. My hope is that one way or the other God can show us direction so that each month I don't try to salvage my weakening faith with a band-aid created by the theory of something instead of it's reality.
I can't imagine struggling with this same issue and not being Christians. I know that without Faith and Love our 11 year recommitment would've been divorce paperwork and a shack by the sea. I hope that if any of you are dealing with this you can be surrounded with the love and support we face. I much prefer the well intention and yet often misguided support than the lonely bitter pill I'm great at hoarding and swallowing.